So.  Everyone wants to know, "how did it go?!?!?!"

That's a lie... the texts I've been getting are more along the lines of "are you still alive?"

Yes.  I'm alive.  I completed the half as did all of my friends.  AND 2 of my friends even ran the full marathon.  They're studs.

I don't have alot of time to blog about it right now... but I had a BLAST.  It was by far the most fun I've had during a race.  It was me and 24,999 of my closest friends (25K runners that day including me).  There were fun costumes.  There were lots of amazing women... and a few brave men. 

But more than ANYTHING ELSE... there were hills.

Lots and lots of hills.

Here is the elevation map:

Yep.  Those are as serious as they look. 

Or... maybe this map will help you better understand (I've added my own comments).

Even for all the hills, I did have a GREAT time.  It was awesome.  I had alot of fun... even if I may have dropped the F bomb about 300 times and cursed the city of San Fran under my breath every time I saw yet another hill.

The scenery was also AMAZING!  We ran along the water for most of the race so we got to see the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay and the Pacific Ocean... it was the best scenery I've ever had while running.

And there was alot of entertainment along the way. 

I will write alot more about the whole trip and the race and everything else as I have time.  But I just thought I'd check in, say hi, and tell you I am (in fact) still alive.  YAY!

Fear.

Fear is such a powerful thing. 

Before cancer, my biggest fears were based on my husband being at war.  What if he didn't come home?  What if I ended up being a single parent?  On my "bad days" during his deployment, I would cry just thinking about what it would be like to raise my son without my husband.  Or how I would react if those 2 soldiers showed up at my front door to tell me my husband wasn't coming home.  There were days that I just didn't want to go home... because I was SURE they would be there waiting for me.

It never ever occurred to me that I might be the one making an early exit and that Chris might end up being the single parent.  Not once.

Then I heard the words, "I'm sorry, you have cancer."

And BAM!  My mortality hit me in the face and knocked me on my ass.

And suddenly that's all I could think about.  What if I died?  What would Caleb do without me?  How can my little boy grow up without his Mama?

Eventually I put those fears aside.  But that fear was a huge motivator during my fight.  I NEEDED to live.

Now the immediate battle is over.  I won.  I have been declared cancer free... a survivor.

I won, right?  No more cancer!  But... my mind keeps telling me there is the chance.  The chance of recurrance.

Did you know that on average about 80% of women diagnosed with my subtype of cancer are alive after 5 years?  That means 20% die.  Not all of them die of cancer, but many do.  Because the cancer comes back.

Recurrance. 

That is the fear now.  What if it comes back? 

I'm doing everything I can to keep cancer at bay.  I'm eating right (most of the time).  I'm exercising at least 3-4 days every week.  I'm trying to keep my weight down.  I've cut back severely on my alcohol intake.  I'm trying to keep my stress levels low.  All those magical things that decrease my chance of recurrance by up to half.

But... what if that's not enough?  What if it comes back despite all of that?

This is life for a cancer survivor in the months after treatment.  From the survivors I've talked to, these fears are totally normal.  Get a headache?  The fear yells "brain cancer!"  PMS cramps?  Must be uterine cancer!  Any aches/pains?  Bone cancer!  Shortness of breath (I'm asthmatic too so this does happen alot)?  Lung cancer!

I wish I was kidding or being sarcastic or overexaggerating.  But this is a common thread on the support boards where I'm known to hang out.  The fear that comes with survivorship.

So that is my new battle, conquering the fear.  Because if I let this fear invade my mind and rule my life, cancer wins. 

A few quotes recently caught my attention in regards to fear:

"Fear ends where faith begins." ~Unknown
"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." ~Unknown

These struck a chord with me.  Because in the end, I cannot control recurrance.  Nothing I can do will guarantee my long term survival. 

So I have to have faith. 

I have to have faith that everything I do to keep myself healthy will work.  I have to have faith in my doctors and my treatment and that it WORKED.  I have to have faith that I have done everything in my power to NEVER have to face this beast again.  I HAVE to have faith that I will live.  Because a life lived in fear isn't much of a life.

And, if cancer does return, I have to have faith in God.  That He has a plan.  That even with metastatic cancer, I can continue to survive for years to come.  That if I do die, I will be with Him.  And He will watch over my family and be there to help them survive.

I know these fears will never fully go away.  But I pray that if I let my faith fill me up, there will be little room left for fear. 

I pray that through faith, I can find some peace.

Today was my very last caulk gun appointment! 

I am DONE with getting my expanders filled.

And my boobs are HUGE!  I am at work.  So I will not attempt any photo shoots that might help demonstrate their actual size...

Maybe later.

I think these photos might have to involve fruit or some other form of prop.  Maybe melons?  Or what other euphemisms could I put into action?  Balloons?  Jugs?  Hmmm.  This could make for some entertaining photos.

Good news is that my ACTUAL implant will be about 120cc's smaller than where they're currently at.  The doctor said we had to over-inflate so that there is a "pocket" for the implant to "drop into".  I'm looking forward to having slightly smaller boobies again.

On the upside, my large ta-tas got checked out by several college students today when leaving the university hospital.  And as any other 30 year old mother will tell you, getting checked out by single twenty somethings makes you want to say "HECK YEAH!  I still got it!" 

Even if it was my synthetic boobies that were getting all the attention, I will still take credit for it... because I can.  Not like the plastic surgeon will mind if I claim credit for his hard work...

Anywho.  Just wanted to celebrate my VERY LAST tissue fill.  Next, in about 6-8 weeks, I will be getting my exchange surgery.  So basically Santa is coming early and he's bringing me a brand new set of boobies!  Hurrah!

In 15 days, I will be making a trip to San Francisco.

In 17 days, I will be running the Nike Women's Half Marathon.

Because I'm crazy.

Because after 5 months of chemo and a bilateral mastectomy, I thought to myself "what could be more fun than to go run a half marathon?"

And honestly, I am SO looking forward to it :)

I'm not in good shape.  I'm no where close to running 13 miles.  But I cannot wait to do this.

Why?  Because I will be catching up with some of my best friends around the country (who like to run).  We're going to spend 3 days in San Fran and 1 day in Napa.  I get to enjoy intelligent, uninterrupted, adult conversation with 5 smart and amazing women.  Some of them I haven't seen in almost 5 years.

I'm sure you're thinking, "why don't you just do that WITHOUT the half marathon?"

The answer is simple, I'm not very good at giving myself presents.  If someone were to say "let's organize a girls weekend."  I'd say "that sounds like fun!"  But since there is no sense of immediacy or urgency, it would fall to the wayside and we'd never get together.  Or I'd be "too busy" or something would come up.  Bottom line is that somehow the weekend wouldn't happen.

BUT when you decide to sign up for a half marathon, there is no backing out.  You (usually) train your butt off for one of these things, so there is NO WAY you're going to let something pop up that will keep you from running it.  The amount of time and commitment it takes to get ready just makes it impossible to NOT go.

Plus.  It's the Nike Women's Half.  There is a lottery to select participants.  It's almost impossible to get INTO this thing.  Why?  Because there is a mile of chocolate.  And you get a Tiffany's necklace (instead of a medal).  And... it's, like, AWESOME!  I mean, you couldn't PAY me to miss this.  I've been fantasizing about this race since I started running half marathons!

So... in just a few short weeks, I will be in San Francisco enjoying the company of some of my favorite women.  And I will enjoy every moment of it, even if I'm simply strolling along the course (because I'm too tired to run). 

And you know what makes it even better?  Even if I'm not half marathon shape, I'm healthy enough to run.  I'm energetic enough to laugh my way through it.  And even if it's painful at times, it's still better than sitting in the chemo chair.

Life is good. 

I get alot of questions from friends (that live far away) about the status of my hair.

I've been told a picture is worth a thousand words... so here you go!

My hair is back!  I've even had a haircut!  It was glorious.  Although when I walked in, the stylist looked at me and asked "sooo what exactly are we doing today?"  She should've just said "You don't have any hair to cut!"

But I did.  And I wanted it "cleaned up".  Because when you have super short hair... it's super obvious (to me at least) when you've skipped a haircut.  And by super obvious I mean probably not obvious at all.  Or so everyone here reassured me ("Oh you're crazy!  I can't even tell!" was the most common comment).

So the funny part about THIS stage is this.  I spent all of chemo (about 5 months) totally bald.  And it was wierd.  Because every woman has some sort of habit or fidget (for lack of a better word) that centers around her hair.  Like pushing it behind her ear.  Or tossing it over her shoulder.  Or... I dunno, combing/brushing it? :)

And it was SO WIERD to not have hair there to mess with.

Now I have hair.  And it FEELS... well.... WIERD!  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to have my hair back.  But at it's current length, it feels really long (it's like maybe an inch long!  HA!).  And unkempt.  And... just... strange.

My husband laughs at me.  I think he finds it funny because this is more of a "guy thing" to discuss.  And I'm sure I used to tease him a little when he'd complain about his hair feeling really long because... oh... I dunno, it had grown a whole 1/4 of an inch.

But now I get it! 

So my hair is there.  It's getting long.  So far it's straight (YAY) but I'll wait awhile longer before I declare it curl free.  I used to have LOTS of curl, so straight would be quite the change for me.  It's still the same color... or maybe a shade lighter.  But all in all, it's pretty close to the way it was before cancer.  No chemo curl.  No color change (unless you count the occasional white hair that cropped up... which I'll blame on cancer and definitely NOT my advancing age).

Along with my hair, life is slowly heading back towards "normal".  But I think that's a topic for another day :)  Generally speaking, I'm happy, healthy, feeling energetic and alot like myself pre-cancer... if not better.

I love my life.  I am so lucky to have it.  And I know I say this all the time, but I am truly blessed. 

During this process, I've made a couple of friends.

I call them my "Cancer buddies".

It's an unfortunate group to be a part of because there are only TWO criteria needed: Be awesome (not a bad thing) and have cancer (very bad thing).

Lisa is one of my cancer buddies.  She is awesome.  I am so happy that cancer introduced us to one another.  Back when I was first diagnosed, I went onto YSC (Young Survivors) in a panic!  I was pregnant, I had cancer, what the f*ck was I supposed to do now!  And I found Lisa.  She was pregnant and mid-treatment.  AND SHE LIVED IN MINNEAPOLIS!  Just a mere 1.5 hour drive away!  I immediately sent her a message that literally said "please be my friend."  (I'm subtle like that)

And she responded with an "of course I'll be your friend, do you need me to come to your first appointment with you?"

She left work early to go to my first surgeon appointment with me.  To understand the enormity of this, you have to understand that when you have cancer, you miss work ALL THE TIME.  So time in the office is sacred!  But she quickly and willingly made that sacrifice for me (told you she was awesome).

And was rewarded by getting to see my boobs.  That's how I know we're going to be lifelong friends, she saw my boobs on our first meeting.  I mean how can that NOT end up in a lifelong friendship :)

Anywho, we've supported one another throughout treatment.  We text each other weekly.  We'd text back and forth during our chemo treatments.  I actually looked forward to some of my Friday afternoons because I knew I'd get to hear from her and have someone to discuss the highs and lows of chemo with.

Basically I just have a ton of love for this girl, even though we're still really just getting to know each other. 

And to top it all off, we're both on the same level of semi-hippie-ness.  Meaning she cloth diapers her beautiful little girl, her husband is all about natural health remedies, and we're both looking for good ways to nourish our bodies and keep as many carcinogens away from us as we can.

So literally the weekend after she finished Taxol, she sent me an email asking what I thought of the Crazy, Sexy Diet and wondering if I might be interested in doing the 21 day cleanse with her.

What is the Crazy, Sexy Diet?  Why, I am so glad you asked!

It's a diet that focuses on eating green, leafy, uncooked vegetables.  We all know that veggies are healthy, right?  And we all know that cooking them takes away a good portion of their nutritional value, right?  So eating alot of raw, green, vitamin rich vegetables is actually pretty intuitive (even though we don't do enough of it).

However, the author suggests that our diet should be, at a minimum 60/40.  So 60% of your dinner plate should be covered by those aforementioned veggies.  The other 40% should be other healthy, lowfat, unprocessed foods like whole grains, beans, and even a little meat (if you don't want to go vegan).  Again, aside from the vegan thing, this isn't really all that crazy.  We all know processed foods are bad.  We all know whole grains are good.

At it's very basic, this diet makes COMPLETE sense. 

However, there are some other suggestions made by the author that will seem kind of alternative/hippie for most Americans.  Like going vegan.  And introducing juicing into your diet.  And she has some other lifestyle suggestions that I don't know if I can completely buy into.  Right now I'm just reading my way through the book (I'm on chapter 3) and understanding more of the "why" behind her lifestyle choices.

But, I do need to start eating healther.  And, generally speaking, this diet makes alot of sense to me. 

So, now that I'm 75% done with my treatment, I think this blog will move forward by trying to explore how to keep cancer at bay using natural methods.  Modern medicine has few to no good suggestions other than "eat low fat foods" and "exercise", so this is my way of exploring how deep my inner-hippie really goes and hopefully providing my readers with an understanding of changes they can make in their own lives to help prevent cancer. 

OK, that sounds far to "big" of me.  Like my goal is to bring about world peace.  I don't actually expect my readers to make these huge changes in their own lives.  But I do want to bring awareness and education.  Because cancer is truly becoming an epidemic in America and I don't ever want anyone that knows me to be diagnosed and say "if only I'd known..."

But aside from all that "beneficial to your health" crap I just said above, I expect this experience to provide me with alot of funny blog material.  Because let's be honest, I LOVE junk food, sugar and most procesed foods.  I love meat.  I think there is nothing better than a hot meal.  Basically, my current diet IS the "Standard American Diet".  This transition to raw, healthy, green is going to be a tough one.  This blog will NOT be from the perspective of an animal loving, bleeding heart, liberal who thinks we should eat more veggies b/c it's "cruel" to eat animals.  Nope, this blog will be from the perspective of an average American who knows this is the right thing to do for her health... but isn't going to love making the change.  I expect some of my blogs will involve phrases like "this is crazy" and "If I see one more green, leafy vegetable, I'm going to puke."  So even if you think I'm totally nuts, feel free to follow along and laugh at/with me.

Thus, my next few blogs will probably focus on the Crazy, Sexy diet, the science behind it, and my personal plans for how I intend to change my lifestyle.

Here's a hint:  Step 1, stop drinking soda and caffiene (OUCH!).